My two nipples…my big heart.

Meet my right nipple. It is a friendly character. Shy at times, but not so much when the situation is right.

I have weird nipples. Yep. I just said I have weird nipples in a public space. Ok, so this type of public space is not quite the same as yelling the statement in a crowded public square, but considering the reaches that this page extends to, I’d say for this moment, that the two situations are comparable.

Again, I have weird nipples. I know that for a fact. Actually, when I take a shower, I can’t help but notice that my whole right side of my body is a bit “flatter” than my left side. My left peck muscle (you can definitely tell I know a lot about the human anatomy, huh) is definitely bigger than my right one, which leads to an unbalanced chest by outward appearance. But that doesn’t really bother me. What bothers me is that my right side is all retarded. I mean, here’s the secret: my right nipple sometimes goes IN. Yeah, isn’t that friggin weird?! It makes me laugh when I notice it. Sometimes, I’ll walk around the house with no shirt on just so that I can get a bit cold and have both of my nipples stick out like they should. Doing that makes me feel normal for about 5 minutes, or for about as long as I choose to walk around with my shirt off (if you’re lucky and you happen to be at my house when I don’t know it, you may accidetally come across me strolling around half naked–as some of you have already). I don’t purposely walk around half naked on purpose. I just want to see what it would be like if I had two normal nipples instead of one right one that’s incredibly shy all the time. Because my right chest is a bit flatter than my left, the nipple portion of it is at a different height than my left. In essence, if my body section was a face, with the nipples being the eyes of the face, the face would be a bit lopsided. If I’ve been to the beach with you, just check out some photos I might have taken with you without a shirt on. Yep, crooked right? See? I don’t lie. My nipples are good conversation starters. Seriously, if you asked me to show you it, I just might without any hesitation (there will be some exceptions of course).

Since my body is so lopsided, I thought about why God made me this way, and I think I have figured it out. God gave me an extra big heart. Without it, I would be totally flat on both sides, but because my heart is so friggin ginormous, my left side comes out a bit more, making me look like I’m super strong (but really, we all know that’s definitely not the case…it’s definitely the heart doing the chest extension). It’s the whole Grinch phenomenon happening inside my body cavity. Let me just say, it’s quite a good reason and trade-off. I’d much rather have a heart so big that it can’t fit inside my body than have two normal nipples.

I’ve come to accept that fact now that my right nipple is different. I have a guilty pleasure of exposing people’s thoughts out loud in front of them. I have this thing where I can sorta guess almost down to the point what somebody may be thinking even if they don’t say it. I have an incredible ability to read people. I use that ability to read people to ask them what they think of my right nipple. And wow, you should see their faces glow red with embarassment as they try to find the right words to say. Hahaha, I get such a wild kick out of it because I KNOW what they are thinking, and at the same time, I know that they are thinking of something neutral to say so that they do not say the wrong thing to me.

What they don’t know is that I could care less if they just said “Your right nipple. It is off center. Your heart. It is big” because that’s what I know already anyway. It’s not like it would be new news to me. But boy, I can almost smell the metal gears griding in people’s head when I ask them something with a really uncomfortable answer. I like doing it. :)

With all of that said, feel free to come up to me and ask me for a quickie touchie. Yes. Ask me if you could place one hand on either one of my male breasts, and depending on which one you choose, you can either feel a good solid left side with a regular nipple or a somewhat “boyish” and flat left one with a slight dip in the center.

You have no idea how entertaining this was to write. I never write about my body, but I think I should start. While most people my age are lifting weights and getting big, I’m sitting here writing about how my nipples aren’t from the same family. Awesome. Just fantastic! :D

…And you don’t even wanna know what I have to say about “zebra stripes”. Those pictures would be NSFW for sure. :)

Ask me to see in person if you don’t believe me.