Hire me today!

PLEASE NOTE: Price shown does not indicate expected pay rate. Thank you!

I need a job. Does anybody want to hire me? I can offer several services at a complete bargain to you! Here’s a short list of some of the things I can do (in no particular order):

• walk – this is very useful for when you might need to have one item transported from one place to another. I use no gas and do not require much programming to complete this task. Ask me for a free demonstration.
• talk – this skill can become useful at many levels. I can talk when you need me to, but I can also talk on my own as well. If you need advice, criticism, or opinion, you can count on me to talk to you about it. Talking can also be used in friendly encounters as well as meetings. You say it, I can probably repeat it. Do not miss out on hiring a real talking person!
• dance – not really a refined skill at the moment, but with the right instruction and training, you can be sure that I’ll put 110% effort into learning all that I can about this skill. I am certainly interested in it and am definitely willing to put my ego on the line if the job is right.
• write – dictate something to me and you can be sure you’ll see it within seconds on either a sheet of paper with pen/pencil or on a printer printout. As an added bonus, I come complete with a pretty decent spell-check built in. So hey, if you want someone who can write well and spell well, then you’ve got me down in one great package!
• humor/personality — nobody wants to be around a dull rock all day long, so why should you? I am capable of the highest tolerance of all types of humor and wittiness (not to mention cleverness as well). I also come with a great built-in laugh, so when you tell a joke that nobody thinks is funny, you can be sure I’ll be laughing alongside you for as long as I can. But don’t worry, my humor is not a one-way receiving street! I can also deliver the cheesiest of all jokes in such a way that’ll make your business partners and co-workers laugh uncomfortably (and possibly uncontrollably if the joke is right).
• fun – People say I am fun.
• hard-worker — Fun? Yes. Hard-worker? “Definitely”, says all former employers. You can count on me for a job well done and done quickly. No more yelling at people for not completing a task correctly. You tell me what I need to do, and I’ll do it for awesome with little complaint or argument. Count on me, and your business will soar above all others.
• tons of talents — if the occasion calls for it, you can count on me to: keep rhythm, sing, dance, play violin, take photos, persuade, edit video, edit photos, re-touch photos, do some magic tricks, “walk the dog” with a yo-yo, make coffee, cook, play piano, read music, suggest music, drive you around (I am a NYC-certified and licensed driver), find information, speak Chinese, speak Spanish, read Spanish, translate (a bit roughly), and much much much more!
• tech savvy — I know my way around computers (Mac & PC) better than some tech support folks. I can show you shortcuts that will save you time and energy, leaving you with more time with family and friends or a significant other. Now what can be better than that, huh?

Employers, please contact me with inquiries to my services. I am available by email, phone, or through this post’s comments. Hire me now and take full advantage of my expertise.

EDIT: Some of you have expressed concern over the authenticity of this post’s content. Rest assured, I am being very real in my request for a job. So please, if you have an appropriate job opening for such an individual as me, please send a kind word along. Thanks again! :)