Photo: Ryan Brenizer

First, some lyrics, because I need to pin this post down somehow.

There’s something in your heart
and it’s in your eyes
It’s the fire, inside you
Let it burn
You don’t say good luck
You say don’t give up
It’s the fire, inside you
Let it burn

My calendar still reminds me every 5th that our anniversary is here. Only, it’s not. It’s just still on my calendar and now it’s given me two reminders about the past event. It definitely opens up a fresh wound each time it happens. Those reminders, whether through a calendar or through mutual friends or through photos are going to be there. It’s my job to figure out how I’m going to move on. And when? Those are some questions I’ve been struggling with lately…

Situations like this make me look back a lot. Rethink decisions, relive events, reread emails, and the thing that strikes me most about everything is how easily I let myself believe what I was being told from the get-go. All these sweet words exchanged in the beginning only to see one half of them diminish completely in the end. It’s so weird that I fell for it. You really do become blinded by love. And I laugh, because it’s funny. It really is.

One of the hardest things for me to let go of are photos. I think I wrote about this in a past breakup (oops) but the act of letting go is hardest when photos are involved. What does one do with the photos, and for that matter, what does one do with the physical artifacts of a relationship now gone? The archivist in me says to keep them; to store them away in a box and bring them back out years from now and laugh at how petty my own concerns were at the age of 25. Another part of me wants to get rid of them completely (what’s the use of them now except bitter reminders of the past?).

And yet, I do hold on to them with some hope that the young person in these photos with me will also be the old person looking back at them with me when we’re frail and aged with wisdom. The suddenness of this all has hit me harder than I thought and this weekend’s chance sighting at a spot we used to go to made life suddenly seem like every Taylor Swift song out there. You know, the one where you see your ex arm in arm with somebody other than you on the subway or something. Except it’s not the subway. It’s the cafe. I knew I’d want to get back together if I said anything so I dug my head in my book and hoped she would walk out. And she did. And then you think of all of the Taylor Swift songs about seeing the love of your life walk off into the sunset because you held back true feelings…haha, those are real songs, right? Somebody give me a songwriting gig. Also, somebody please introduce me to more music.

I forget where I wanted to go with this. But I guess I just needed to write things out. Things have been pretty crappy lately and just when I thought I was doing alright, it came back full-force on Saturday. But like before, a clever mix of cycling, good (and some bad) music, and a plethora of activities will keep my mind off things. I just need to figure out if I really want to forget so quickly. With that said, October 25th can’t come soon enough. Actually, no, November 14th can’t come soon enough. Ah, let’s just go ahead and skip to next August. That can’t come soon enough.